A Word Child by Iris Murdoch

Author:Iris Murdoch
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Open Road Media
Published: 2010-06-14T16:00:00+00:00

Dearest Hilary, my usual letter, but oh how different now that we are to be married. There was always such pain in writing to you before, I felt always as if I were being sulky and importunate. My love for you, which was so pure and clean in me, became something muddy and nasty when I tried to give it to you. I could not give it, and that was so terrible, like a curse in a fairy tale. I felt so often that my love just irritated you. When you really love somebody you can’t help feeling that you do them good by loving them. And yet I know that things between us were twisted, so that my love could not succour you. Now all is changed. We have looked into each other’s eyes and known each other. I felt on Wednesday that pure undoubtable communication at last. It was so different, wasn’t it, from the first days when you wanted me? We never looked so then. You hid from me, you hid from yourself. Now you have found me and found yourself too. I knew on Wednesday that all was well and that what had been twisted was untwisted at last. I’m almost glad you didn’t come on Friday because Saturday was so perfect, such a sort of seal on it all. I felt so happy beside the Round Pond. I’ve never seen things so vividly in my life, those dogs, those boats, all existing because of you, the world existing because of you. You make me to see and to be. Oh Hilary, I will behave so well, you’ll see. I won’t dispute about anything ever! You shall decide when we get married — only let it be soon — perhaps on the day when Crystal marries Arthur? I am so happy too in her happiness — we shall be such a joyful quartet! I will (bold me!) ring the office on Wednesday morning and ask you to see me on Wednesday evening! And you will be kind to me — you will be kind to me, won’t you — now and when I am your wife. I am only your little harmless Tommy. You must love me and look after me for I am so completely yours. God bless you and keep you. My love to you, oh my dear. Now and forever your

Thomas.

Tommy, my dear, I got your sweet letter this evening. I had to leave early and so missed it in the morning. Tommy, don’t ring tomorrow. I’ll deliver this by hand tonight. Tommy, I cannot marry you. You can’t really have believed I would. Your letter sounds like someone whistling in the dark. Oh God, I’m sorry. What happened on Wednesday wasn’t true. Neither was what happened on Saturday. I was living a lie then. I can’t explain. Nothing is your fault. What is true is what I was saying earlier, what I’ve been saying for months, that it’s just no good between us.

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